Scarves 

The beach is, and always has been, my happy place.
I am so reluctant to ever refer to what I suffer with as depression. And I think it’s because I hate that I suffer from it. I hate that I talk about it and I hate that it’s even a thing that exists and I hate that it’s a part of me. 

It’s mysterious, it weaves itself in quickly through my thoughts, turning a moderate day, into a slightly less bearable one, to one i can’t wait to get to the end of, to one I can’t live in anymore, and I can feel myself kicking and screaming inside my skin. 

Most days I can act normal. I can act like it’s not happening and this battle isn’t being fought in my soul. But days like today, I’m sure you can see it in my glazed eyes and the way my mouth stays still and mute, in fear everything will fall out and crumble.

It casts a thin veil on all I do, like little black scarves, partly concealing pieces of my mind one by one, until everything I have in me is darkened and there’s no way out. 

This morning I was okay, it felt like any neutral day would feel. But a trigger happens and I feel guilt, and another happens and I feel anger, and another happens and I feel stress and suddenly I feel the shift and I’m gone. And I can’t see anything positive. Everything is covered by a scarf and there’s no way out to bring me back, and the panic hits. 

Today, I am close to breaking. But not in the usual way. Normally there are tears and panic. But today, there is nothing. I felt the guilt, anger, and stress and I felt it leave me as swiftly as it arrived. I can’t see the whole picture anymore, and I am filled with blanks that I can’t complete. I know that I should feel okay and that I should just be able to push through, but I’ve lost the ability to know how, and the strength to find it again. And I’m scared, the parts of me I know hide away. 

Going to the sea tonight helped, its given me a few blanks back. But I am no way as complete as I was yesterday, and the day before. And it will take time to get to that point again, but I hope it won’t be too long. 

You’re lying to me

I’m sure my lips form this sentence at least every other day, and on the other days my mind whispers it frequently.

I have been complaining over the size of my legs for years. They obviously know it bothers me so give me an easy answer.

They know I couldn’t solve it quickly if I wanted to, so why tell me the truth.

They think it would hurt my feelings too much to say.

They can’t be bothered with the backlash afterwards if they were honest.

 

And it’s not even just people that lie.

 

It’s just a good angle of photo.

It’s good lighting.

You’re having a good day because you’ve eaten well and been to the gym.

It’s just the outfit, it’s not normal life.

 

For the first time in such a long time, yesterday I caught myself in the mirror at the gym. I looked in proportion. I looked like everyone else. I was a normal shape. I looked strong, I looked sexy. Maybe I can see what the others see. Maybe this is actually me.

 

But bad feelings are so much stronger than good, and before long, I’m convinced I imagined it. I don’t even know where the truth is anymore.

IMG_2566

Thinking myself unhappy

I haven’t written in a few days, and don’t get me wrong – I’ve had a lovely few days. And maybe that’s the problem? Not an actual problem, just for me. When I feel happy in those times, when I can honestly tell myself I am happy, I worry that I won’t feel that again for a while.

I do it to myself – I think about being happy so much I think myself unhappy. I don’t appreciate the quiet times, that I look back on and miss. I don’t enjoy the drives home or the peace of going from one activity to another. I don’t enjoy being on my own, until I actually am and can occupy my mind with something, doing my nails or sketching. Otherwise it occupies itself with thoughts, both unnecessary and pointless.

It annoys me I can’t relish in the moment. I’ve actually started to just get annoyed at myself for being down and feeling this way. And it annoys me that surely if I am annoyed at myself for feeling the way I do, I should be able to change it, right? But depression doesn’t work that way. It’s not as predictable as my anxiety would like it to be.

And that’s the problem. The awful, cruel combination of feeling nothing, and the worry that it could strike any moment. That I could be having a great day, or a great week, and a thought will come into my head and it all changes.

It’s a habit, a bad habit of my mind. And it snatches away at moments I know in the future I am going to wish I could relive.

My aim for this evening: tell my thoughts to do one.

A spur of the moment decision = new therapy

I’ve always been a lover of drawing, and in some cases I think I’m quite good at it. But I get annoyed if I can’t do something right or if the structure could be better and so on, my patience isn’t very high when it comes to drawing apparently!! 

Today I went on a day trip to Brighton and had such a good day, and while I was there went into a little art shop. And. Fell. In. Love. 

It was amazing (cass art if anyone wants to know). I have been looking at drawing books for a while to help with my annoyance of structure, and found this one called Draw by Jake Spicer, and so far so good!

It goes through different categories of drawing, as well as explaining the basics and tools and materials. I definitely recommend for those like me that know how to draw, just need some support with it! 

So I’m on the drawing hype again and starting off with basics! I’m already finding it soothing and think I’ll add it along with my list of things to do when times are hard. 


(My hand… Not perfect but I quite like it!)

Happiness is…


An evening walk, and a heart to heart with the sister (and dog, but he was passed out in the car by the time the talk happened!!)

It’s a shame my phone camera couldn’t pick it up well enough, I live in some beautiful places ❤️

Why does depression favour the night?

Its the eerie silence of the world to match the whispering thoughts of the mind and the tears that fall.

The breath begging to be heard, slow and pained like the depths of the deepest sea.

The occasional voice or bang from the outside, momentarily thieving attention before being swept once again by the mighty wind.

The minuscule sound of a watch, counting passing seconds full of wondering, questioning and waiting, never giving mercy,

Posibilities and what ifs spinning and winding like that of the hands, before landing once again in an all familiar place.

The darkness, matching the bleak, cloudy thoughts of midnight in the middle of autumn.

Seeking solace in mundane dark corners and maze like hallways, finding a comforting peace, like entering a childhood bedroom.

Its draws in its clutches, gripping hold of promises of unseen obstacles and regrets of the next day and beyond,

Dancing alongside prospects of unsolicited promises and hopes, around and around until finally,

sleep falls and silences all.

 

 

Uncertainty 

I think the worst part of suffering with depression for me, is never knowing how I will wake up. Whether things will look brighter in the morning, or whether my mood will deteriorate. I seem to have such manic dreams that I feel as if I’ve lived for so long sometimes, and I just wake up more tired than I went to bed. 

I have been trying to write a poem, but the words aren’t coming together very well. 

Hopefully, words will come to me soon. I need to remember that a bad day is okay to happen — it doesn’t mean I’m not recovering, just that it’s not straight forward and linear. It’s difficult to see when you’re in the midst of it all. 

Take care, x

Everything will be okay

There’s nothing like breathing a little sigh of relief. 

This doesn’t happen often, normally the worries get a hold and I start panicking over things that haven’t happened yet or the things that could happen or over thinking things that have happened. 

But at the moment those things aren’t mattering. 

Coming back home today has been lovely, nice to see the family, had an awesome steak salad and ran back at home. Now on the sofa with tea watching my new obsession… downton abbey. 

And this doesn’t mean to say things haven’t gone wrong today, just that I’m starting to let them brush over like clouds in the wind. 

It’s making me realise that being on a high dose of happy pills isn’t the worst thing ever. After a bit of a fight about it, surely something that makes my brain function like a normal person can’t be all that bad. I  think I feared people can see it, and that the tablets control me more than me controlling myself. But realising now, I’m still me, but all they do is level me out.  After all, I would say the same thing to other people, and learn the same at uni. 

Just a shame I can’t take my own advice!
P.s landscape photos are becoming a habit, so here’s some of the lovely harbour  ❤️

 

No place like home 

Tomorrow I go back home for three weeks, and I can’t wait to get cuddles from the parents, the boyfriend, and best of all, the dog ❤️ 

May have to witness another sunrise like this one while I’m back… 

(If you haven’t noticed — im a bit of a sucker for beautiful scenery) 
Expect posts from me shortly about how I’m bored of family already 😉 

Allowing yourself to just be

 

I wanted to write a little post about self-care. At uni, the environment where I am in and the people I am at uni are all very extroverted and we all go to the gym and run together and its all very social. Usually, this is a very good thing and I love it. But a day like today, where I almost feel a bit in recovery – as in, I’ve had some bad days where things haven’t been getting done or I haven’t looked after myself in the way I should, I just need some time to recoup.

So I had a little mental list of things I would like to get done today:

  • Bath, where I could exfoliate and moisturise and take care of myself after a few days of ignoring the way I look through lack of effort.
  • Revise, this has taken a bit of a backseat to many other things and it’s stressing me out.
  • Tidy and pack ready for going home, I knew I needed to start doing this, I haven’t spent any time in my room because it’s messy. I do not class myself as an always tidy person in particular – but when it’s messy it makes me agitated.
  • Make a really good meal with the salmon in my freezer.
  • Blog.
  • Work out

So off I go, have a cup of tea, relax and then run a bath. And in running a bath I get told my friends are going to the gym, and asked if I am coming.

BOOM EXERCISE GUILT. Everyone else. Going to the gym. Arm day. Am I coming.

It’s on the end of the list for a reason, I didn’t see it as a priority today. But as soon as it’s mentioned I feel like I should, as I know other people are and I’m afraid other people think I should (anxiety sucks balls).

I experience this a lot, and it’s not always from the influence of others, but social media too. For quite some time, I followed a lot (I mean about 50) different fitness and weight loss pages on Instagram. Some of personal trainers, some progress sights, some people losing weight or struggling with weight loss and so on. And everyday every time I looked at them, morning day and night. If I had exercised that day, I’d feel proud of myself, that I’d joined in. Or if I hadn’t, the guilt started and the more I looked at them, the worse it got. Even if I was having a day off, or I feel like I didn’t try hard enough as them, and the most blatantly obvious – I don’t look like them. *sigh*

Now, I’m talking about this in terms of a ‘recovery day’. But it’s even more extreme on a dark day, on a day where I struggle to get motivation to do anything like make food or shower, let alone drag my huge ass out the house… so what do I do? I pretty much spend the whole day on social media and feel all poop.

I have been told many many times, if you feel down, exercise – it helps. It releases endorphins and feel good hormones and it helps as acts as a natural anti-depressant. So its the big go to – feel shit? Work out, even if you don’t want to, you will feel better afterwards. Fight against all the feelings you’re feeling and just get it in.

But you know what else releases endorphins and is a natural anti-depressant? Laughing, having sex, cuddling, eating dark chocolate, vanilla and lavender candles and so many more personal to an individual.

Sometimes being told there is only one way out makes that little tunnel seem narrower, it becomes a chore, a job to be done to be happier. When done in the right mind set, sure exercise can work wonders. And to be honest, I actually quite enjoy running, or going to the gym and doing weights, I don’t want it to be a chore!

So, as difficult as it was, my self care involved unfollowing all fitness accounts from my feed except a few, which I felt were the ‘less pushy’ ones, but that is literally just down to my opinion. Also found a few body-positivity ones that I fell in love with and make me feel better about having a bad day.

The end result of today:

  • Bath, where I could exfoliate and moisturise and take care of myself after a few days of ignoring the way I look through lack of effort.
  • Revise, this has taken a bit of a backseat to many other things and it’s stressing me out.
  • Tidy and pack ready for going home, I knew I needed to start doing this, I haven’t spent any time in my room because it’s messy. I do not class myself as an always tidy person in particular – but when it’s messy it makes me agitated.
  • Make a really good meal with the salmon in my freezer.
  • Blog.
  • Work out

AND THAT IS OKAY.

And you know what? more things got added on:

  • Spent time in the sunshine with friends
  • Drank copious amounts of tea
  • Laughed a lot

And today that is exactly what I needed.

Self-care is always going to be purely individual. What works for me, may not for you, and may not work for your friend and so on. Deleting my fitness accounts worked for me because I have a giant guilt complex, and everything else worked for me because that is what relaxes me. And now I am feeling rather peaceful.

Don’t ever feel like you have to do something because it’s what is supposed to make you feel better – if you have to kick and scream to get there, just listen to yourself. If you dread it all day, you’re putting yourself through negative feelings to get you there, and that’s literally the opposite of self care.

I am using this purely on the example of exercise – because that is something that I feel I should do. It works for coursework, tidying and so many other things.

Care for yourself in a way that works. I’m sorry if I went off on one here — trying to explain this has been hard and it’s taken all day of me coming back to it trying to work out what I wanted to say!!

Take care!