I’m Gingerbythesea. I live in England by the sea. I suffer from anxiety and, most of the time on a smaller scale, depression. Both of these things I suppose affect me everyday, but someones I notice a lot less, and sometimes I can’t help but see it in everything I do. I go to university and I study Psychology, so I’m kind of a walking hypocrite. It also means I have this awful affliction to look into every reason as to why I feel a certain way, but I am also very aware these things can hit us without any reason. I think I must have had a mixture of both of those.
It may seem like I am picking out weird things to justify the way I feel – but I do not mean to sound like a victim. I know most things in my life I could have changed or altered in some way. But I didn’t, and because of that I have experienced what I’ve experienced, and I have become the person I am.
I suppose I have always been a worrier. In primary and secondary school, I had a weird relationship with friends at school because I’ve always been quieter and a people pleaser (aka. doormat). This isn’t always a bad thing, it’s who I am and I like being the person people turn to. However, in school this is just an invitation and I got walked over a lot. I am also ginger (obviousl) and was slightly on the chubby side… you can imagine how well that went for me. I fell out a lot with friends and got paranoid of being replaced. Towards the end of secondary school, this turned to my best friend (still my best friend now — we got over all this) randomly texting me saying I had done something wrong and result in me begging for an apology unsure of what I’d done. Looking back obviously I should have just told her to fuck off and grow up. But in secondary school and that’s all you know that’s naaat going to happen. This happened frequently, and I got paranoid about my phone going off in case I was in troubs.
Roll on some time and I got my first boyfriend at 16. I was happy for a while, and I was too inexperienced with this whole relationship thing to know when things start to go wrong. I’ll repeat again – that through all this I could have got out, but I didn’t. He was controlling in the teen kind of way – couldn’t see friends all the time, spent all my time at his house or he would cry at me, and ultimately; force me to have sex with him daily or he wouldn’t let me sleep. It was a nightly thing, he would tell me he would get ‘blue balls’ and they hurt, annoyed at me and said I was weird for not wanting to have daily sex, and nudge and hit me until I gave in. Not overally violently – more slyly in bed so he could pretend it was him shuffling around when actually it was to ‘wake me up’ (I pretend slept). It took me a while after we broke up to realise that this was all wrong, and it has taken me even longer to not blank out during sex. If wanted I can go more into detail with this another time, but for now I’ll leave it at that. We were together for 3 years, a long time for our age, and after so many times ‘trying’ to break up with him (dammit girl just do it), he broke up with me. Go figure. Pfft, after the initial shock I was glad for the way out.
Anyway through this I was at college, but failed because I could not be arsed and was not that fussed on going to uni at the time. Said ex boyfriend laughed at me failing. He dropped out of college. 7 years later he still doesn’t have a job. Ha.