On days like this, all my fears come out, and one huge one is the effect of my mindset on other people. The whole day today my head has been telling me I’m ruining my relationships. I didn’t want to talk to my housemates, so I hid away.
And my boyfriend, I have so much fear of telling him too much or pushing him away by not telling him enough. I constantly tell him that I won’t be like this forever, that it will improve when I finish uni and come back home. I am not one of these people who thrive at uni, I mean I’ve learnt a lot and have become a lot more independent, but this is where everything in my head sky rockets. There’s too much stress; money, work, uni work, trying to keep relationships and friendships going… not the walk in the park I thought it would be.
But yeah, the truth is, how do I know that this will subside when I finish uni? What happens if these feelings carry on and are always a little bit there. My fear is that he will give up on me, and after years of dealing with the same shit, saying the same shit to me, calming me down over the same things, me asking how my body looks and whether its changed and whether he still finds me attractive and blah blah blah.
He tells me that this will never happen, and honestly I believe him. This man is the most supportive, loving, giving person I have ever met and will ever meet. I love him with everything I have, and I know he feels the same for me. But I fear I will break him. That I will take advantage of his caring nature, that I become too self-absorbed with the ins and outs of my mind that I won’t talk enough about him. Or he is too afraid of putting anything on me, and so keeps it himself. I’m afraid I will hurt him.
I know it is my head saying this, and I know that everyday is not the same. But in the darkness it’s hard to see yourself out. I just have to trust him and those around me. And myself – I won’t allow myself to be like this forever.
Went on a little 2.5 mile run today, wanted to do longer but needed to get back for dinner. This lifted my spirits a little, exercise always helps, as much as a fight against it! Also took a picture of the beautiful sunset on the way…
Had a missed call from the CBT people today. – another thing that causes me fear. I’ve been avoiding booking an appointment, it’s telling another person about me and it makes me feel a bit sick. Tomorrow morning I will call them back, I need to. Or I’ve lost the opportunity and I know I will regret it. Time to repair!