My steps in Self-healing

Using other people to help in hard times is okay, until i started to need them to do the healing for me. I need to re focus on doing it for myself, So I have made a list of things I used to do, that will (hopefully) help me get where I want to:

  • All free time does not have to be spent with someone else – quality time for yourself is important. Have a bath, watch that thing you’ve wanted to watch, read a shitty magazine or blog, and enjoy your own space. 
  • Start a routine, in the morning and night – take your make up off, moisturise, prep for the day ahead, take your vitamins. 
  • Draw – you love it, and you stop yourself because you say that it won’t be good when you do it anyway, but practise is the only way forward. 
  • Prep your meals – in bad times, atleast knowing there’s a healthy meal available takes a load off. Take pride in cooking, try something new. 
  • Exercise is not the answer to everything – yes, scientifically it has shown to help. But also so do many other things. You don’t need to exercise to earn love for your body. 
  • Look after yourself – do your hair nice even if you’re not going anywhere in particular, shave your legs, dye your eyebrows, exfoliate often. Do this for you, because you deserve to feel good. 
  • Go for a drive – no better therapy than singing at the top of your lungs. 
  • Meditate – one that I have never gotten in to, but know works. You don’t need an app, you just need 10 minutes to focus on thinking of the now. 
  • Don’t look ahead and dread – that shift won’t be as bad as you think it will be, that day won’t drag, the only thing that makes it negative is your thoughts. Just wait, breathe and take it as it comes. 
  • Treat yo’ self properly – don’t go out and buy a pointless item for the sake of it – get your haircut instead, go and get your nails done which you never do, save up for more gym clothes. 
  • Don’t eat crap on the reg – take aways are allowed, as is chocolate, but figure when you really really want it, and when you’re just eating it for the sake of it. Sometimes it’s just worse in the long run. 

There are probably many more – but these are my starters. It’s taken me a long time to realise that I have stopped trusting myself to do anything. I’ve needed support, and without outside nagging, I haven’t done many of these in the past years. 

So I’m going back to my basics ✌️

Hiding

It’s scary how quickly my mind can flit from one thing to another, how volatile my thoughts can be, and how quickly I could push people away if felt it was necessary. 

As I’ve mentioned before, many times now I thought I would get better soon. And I know these conditions will always be there, but I thought they wouldn’t be such a large part of everyday life. 

So to have to deal with them whilst maintaining close relationships is more exhausting than I thought, and surprisingly it gets harder the more I explain to my loved ones about my thoughts. 

There’s no hiding now, they know how I can be and what I do when there’s a war going on. I can’t plaster a fake smile on my face because they see through it and they’re determined to go through it with me. 

There are minutes, simply minutes that go by where I crave indepedence. When I want to walk away and never have to explain my thoughts, or worse, see their faces when I snap or the understanding look I get when all I want to do is tell them they don’t have to deal with me. 

I fear it’s all they can see, and maybe because it’s often all I can see. In the bleak times, they are the only parts of my life I remember, and in the good I forget the stress I cause and the break downs people have had to endure. 

Getting away from the ones I love in that moment seems like the easy option. I’m a wasp in a glass, waiting for someone to lift it up, and in that moment I forget everything else. And then all I see is the hopeless looks. 

I need to get better, not just for me but for them, for my own hopeless look not just reflected in my mirror, but also reflected on those I love. It would be easy to be on my own, my thoughts would remain my own along with my problems and burdens. But that is not the way I want to live. In the good times, I am happy, and I want this life. And in those lost minutes I am not myself, instead I am overcome and overwhelmed and looking to hide, and sometimes it’s hard to differentiate the two until I look back.