It’s scary how quickly my mind can flit from one thing to another, how volatile my thoughts can be, and how quickly I could push people away if felt it was necessary.
As I’ve mentioned before, many times now I thought I would get better soon. And I know these conditions will always be there, but I thought they wouldn’t be such a large part of everyday life.
So to have to deal with them whilst maintaining close relationships is more exhausting than I thought, and surprisingly it gets harder the more I explain to my loved ones about my thoughts.
There’s no hiding now, they know how I can be and what I do when there’s a war going on. I can’t plaster a fake smile on my face because they see through it and they’re determined to go through it with me.
There are minutes, simply minutes that go by where I crave indepedence. When I want to walk away and never have to explain my thoughts, or worse, see their faces when I snap or the understanding look I get when all I want to do is tell them they don’t have to deal with me.
I fear it’s all they can see, and maybe because it’s often all I can see. In the bleak times, they are the only parts of my life I remember, and in the good I forget the stress I cause and the break downs people have had to endure.
Getting away from the ones I love in that moment seems like the easy option. I’m a wasp in a glass, waiting for someone to lift it up, and in that moment I forget everything else. And then all I see is the hopeless looks.
I need to get better, not just for me but for them, for my own hopeless look not just reflected in my mirror, but also reflected on those I love. It would be easy to be on my own, my thoughts would remain my own along with my problems and burdens. But that is not the way I want to live. In the good times, I am happy, and I want this life. And in those lost minutes I am not myself, instead I am overcome and overwhelmed and looking to hide, and sometimes it’s hard to differentiate the two until I look back.